Do you misread your dates?
By Alix Strauss
He was an adorable, smart stockbroker with soft blue eyes and dark hair. As we took our seats in the restaurant, we chatted pleasantly about the appropriate info: How we knew the person who'd set us up; the last movie we saw; a little bit (but not too much) about our respective professions. The waiter came to take our drink order. My possible future husband, wine list in hand, looked at me and asked, "Bottle for the table? Or do you want something stronger?"

"Diet Coke," I told the waiter.

Though the date ended fine, and he was pleasant throughout the evening, something felt off. A few days later I found out why. Said date went back to the source of the set-up and said, "She's nice, but was totally uninterested in me and having a good time because she only ordered a soda." Sigh. If only he'd taken a moment to ask, I'd have gladly cleared up his misconception. I happen not to be a huge drinker. I happened to have had a Diet Coke craving. And, I happened to have liked the guy. But he didn't ask, and there wasn't a second date. In essence, he sold us both short.

The worst mistake a dater can make
On dates, people are constantly trying to interpret each other's actions, looking for signs that will help them figure out if things are going well (or not so well). But the problem is, all too often the assumptions people jump to are just plain wrong. Just ask Garrett, a 40-year-old from NJ, who was on a date that was going great—until it came time to order. Spotting the waitress' name tag, he called her by her name and kidded with her about the menu. His date, however, took this as flirting—and a sign he wasn't interested in her. "Why would I flirt with a waitress when I'm on a date? I'm just a friendly guy," he says. "I actually thought the girl was rude because she didn't say 'Thank you' to the water guy."

While many people make the mistake of misinterpreting someone's actions in an overly optimistic way ("Gee, she must like me because she ordered dessert!"), overall, pessimism reigns in the dating realm. Often, it's someone's best intentions we read the wrong way. Mitch, a 41-year-old from New Jersey, recently took a blind date to a restaurant he'd frequented. Familiar with the food, he gave her a few suggestions and recommended they get a wine he really liked. Later, he heard through the grapevine that his date thought he was too controlling. "I was just trying to be helpful!" Mitch says.

Sometimes, we shut down our options before we've even met them, as Californian Jean, 37, did when a prospect proposed meeting up for coffee—but she refused purely because it suggested he might be cheap. "Looking back, maybe I should have just met him for coffee," she says. "What's the worst that could have happened?"

Why we misread signals
What's driving so many daters to assume the worst as they look for love? Some experts attribute it to nerves, which can trigger a cascade of negative assumptions and easily result in a self-fulfilling prophecy. "When you're on a date, which is a stressful activity to begin with, it's easy to see the glass as half empty rather than half full," says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of DSI: Date Scene Investigation—the Diagnostic Manual of Dating Disorders. And this can prompt us to protect ourselves by ferreting out flaws. Also, "on a first date, people tend to look for reasons why it's not going to work out," says Alyssa Wodtke, author of Truth, Lies, and Online Dating: Secrets to Finding Romance on the Internet. "Why? Because the fact that you're on yet another first date means it hasn't worked out in the past. You're expecting failure and, as a result, you're setting yourself up for failure."

Dating someone whose beliefs about gender roles or money are different than yours can also cause trouble. Meredith, a 37-year-old from New York, felt she was being a gracious gal when she'd split the bill rather than just assume a guy was going to pay. That is, until one guy expressed shock when she reached for her wallet. "He asked me if I was having a good time, and I said sure," she says. "He later informed me that he took my offering to pay as an indication that I didn't like him. I did like him, I was just afraid of coming off as a girl who expects to be taken out."

Even when the involved parties attempt to set the record straight, lack of trust can be a problem, as Felicia, a 35-year-old from Massachusetts, knows all too well. Upon meeting a guy for drinks, she told him she had to get home early due to an early meeting at work the next day. "I just wanted to be upfront," she says. "But when I didn't stay for a second drink, he seemed annoyed. When I asked him if something was wrong, he accused me of making up the meeting because that's what people say to cover themselves in case they don't like the other person." And at this point, his insecurity was such a turnoff she wasn't that interested in convincing him otherwise.

How to put an end to the confusion
No matter what we do, we'll never be able to read each other's actions entirely accurately. But if you'd like to curb the confusion, go ahead and ask for an explanation to clear things up. If that's too forward for you, try this: Instead of assuming the worst, try assuming the best, says Wodtke. "Rather than searching for flaws in someone before you know them, give them the benefit of the doubt," she says.

"Stop thinking and just enjoy the company," says David Wygant, a dating coach and author of Always Talk To Strangers: 3 Simple Steps To Find The Love Of Your Life. "And once the date's over, don't rehash it over and over. That'll make things worse." A recent date I'd been on could have benefited from this bit of wisdom. He and I had only spoken on the phone two times, and though I'm an affectionate person, I felt a handshake was more appropriate when meeting him. The guy, however, went in for a kiss on my cheek, which made me wonder: If this is what he wants now, what will he expect at the end of the evening? A fair assessment? Maybe. But is it really the truth? There's the story we make up in our heads, and then there's what really happened. Perhaps he was just overzealous. Perhaps he was just being friendly. Or perhaps I should have turned off my antenna rather than turning it up.

"No one's a psychic," says Wygant. "Ninety-nine percent of the time you don't have a clue to what the other person is thinking." The bottom line is, jumping to negative conclusions can sabotage your chances of sticking around long enough to see if you truly are compatible. Lay your suspicions aside, and years later, you two could be laughing about all the horrible things you thought about each other when you first met.

Alix Strauss is a New York City-based trend journalist and the author of the novel The Joy of Funerals.

What's the meaning behind your dreams?



I've been having this reoccurring theme appear in my dreams about my death by hanging. It never happens the same way and I may not hang every night but the dream always leads up to the final moment when someone screams out for my release or I drop. Sadly enough I'm not scared of it, mostly just baffled. There is never the impending fear of a nightmare just an overwhelming calm. Crazy I know! It's terribly random and I'm not sure what to think of it. Strange sensation to feel yourself drop and know your dead but not be afraid of it.



I've just done a bit of research on my dreams and from my own interpretation of a reoccurring theme concerning my death by hanging, I am meant to learn a lesson, a very strong lesson of leaving something behind, letting something "die" that is in my life that has been lingering or "hanging" onto my thoughts. Sadly, I know exactly what it is and I can't make it go away. It's the last thing I think about at night and the first thing I think of in the morning. I talk about it constantly and think about it more. It's always on my mind. How do you get rid of something that is that attached to your mind? It's ridiculous really I berate myself every time it comes up but it still comes up. I apologize when I talk about it but I still say it out loud. Obviously I know it has to go because after I hang I'm so calm. Who does that? You would think if you died you'd wake up a mess, freaking out about how you might die during the day, but not this time, not for me. This time I'm relieved, not even relieved because I wasn't stressed in the beginning I'm peaceful and complacent.



How do you let it all go? How do you forget about it, stop talking about, stop dreaming about it, stop thinking about it?

"I know a drugstore cowgirl so afraid of getting bored
She's always running from something so many things ignored
I try to be not like this, but I thought I'd make a good song
There's nothing to see shows over people just move along"



311 Unity Tour this weekend in Philly! My first time to Philly and I got to fall in love all over again with 311. I forgot how awesome they are live. If you went to CSU in 2001 you would remember the night they came to Moby as probably being one of the most amazing in your life because it definitely was for me. 311 and Hoobastank before the big sell out and the sound change.



87% humidity on the docks with thousands of hot sweaty people jamming out to the sounds of 311. Jumping, singing, throwing punches. I caught my fair share and have the bruises to show for it. You have got to love the edge of the pit. I've never been one to stand in the middle of it, but on the edge is freaking awesome! Watching people be jack holes and purposefully try and hurt themselves is amazing! What is going on in their head? Not a whole lot since they've smoked themselves stupid, but damn can they make me laugh.



Philly was awesome! I was able to see just about everything I wanted to. Independence Park, which includes Independence Hall, Carpenters Hall, Constitution Hall, The Liberty Bell and so much more! Other sights included Edgar Allen Poe's house. For the lack of restoration and general upkeep it held an amazing creepy vibe. He only lived there for a year but during that time he was able to publish "The Raven", "The Black Cat" and "The Tell Tale Heart". All of these are equally creepy; however, the one that truly stands out while on the tour of his house is "The Black Cat". Upon entering the cellar a chill creeps up your spine and a distinctive abnormality in a section of the wall draws your eye, you could swear that it is where the corpse lay hidden to this day. Truly there is nothing there but Poe was able to draw from his surroundings and use his imagination to instill terror in his reader. Moving on from the frights that haunt Poe's house. Sunday we went into the Italian Market. Fabulous section of the city and I swear I stepped back into the alleyways of Rome, vendors selling just about everything from fresh food and prepared food to random bullshit and so much more. Philly truly is a world of it's own and I'm so glad I got to see it… not sure I'll go back anytime soon but definitely a location worth a few jack hole pictures.

When asked to write a novel where does one begin?

Characters? Setting? Plot perhaps?



"You have an amazing talent in writing, would you consider writing a novel?"

"A novel on what?"

"Anything that happens on your imagination."

"My imagination is poor to say the least. It will take me quite some time to even think of some kind of plot, and then to make that plot into a riveting story that people will read. That is a huge amount of pressure."

"None indeed my friend, you will do famously. Just sit down and write what comes to you. Start an idea book. Any idea that pops into your head write it down, then develop one or two of your favorites until you find something worthwhile to spend much more time on."

"I fear the judgment of others. It will be a terrible story."

"If it is terrible it just won't be published. Then you will not have to worry about the judgment of anyone. But if my editors like it, you'll be published and become famous even."

"From one novel? No one can even pronounce my name let alone spell it properly to even find it in a catalogue, how will they even know who I am?"

"Marketing my friend, marketing. We just teach people how to pronounce your name. Stop worrying so much, you haven't even written the book yet."

"Right, we are back on the book and my imagination and the horrible story that is pending. Brilliant! Can't wait."

"I knew you'd do it!"



Now what?

Plot…

1) People

2) Tragic event?

3) Pleasant outcome… or more tragedy?

Truly this could be a wholly tragic novel but then who would read it. Isn't the purpose of a novel to escape the tragedy of the everyday world? Then again Shakespeare's tragedies are brilliant. (Plot twist) AGONY!

Dark and twisty indeed…



Oh for heavens sake!



Setting…

1) Location

2) Time

Modern? Medieval? Classical?

Costume! Character! Language!



Torrents of fire, this is ridiculous!



Characters…

1)…

2) I suppose there should be a main character…

Male? Female? Handsome? Wretchedly disfigured?



Genre…

Most important of all the decisions and the last to pop into my head.



There is far too much to think of! Idea book indeed! Novel indeed… I've no imagination whatsoever. What were they thinking!!!

There is a new love of my life. It's called New York City. This is one of the most amazing cities I have ever traveled to.



I took the long weekend and a very good friend of mine, from back home, to NYC. We had a blast. The city is amazing. We were stationed on the 51 st floor of a 52 floor hotel in Time Square, the very hotel where Good Morning America hosts their guests. Our view was straight down into Time Square, GORGEOUS! Saturday was spent playing tourist and information officer. I was mistaken as a local multiple times… which made me extremely happy. We walked forever and saw as much as we could. I love whirl wind adventures. I don't think I could be a lazy tourist and just do nothing all day. I'm sure I completely exhausted J but she didn't complain once.



I have to say Central Park is probably my new favorite park to be in. It was absolutely amazing… aside from the forever smell of animals wafting from the zoo and the hundreds of horse drawn carriages.



We set out exploring towards the piers and Liberty Island. By 9am there was a line 4 hours long to get to the Island. We vetoed this and took pictures from Manhattan. Walking our way north we stopped at Wall Street to admire the Trump Building, impressive building, and unimpressive surroundings. We also stopped to see Trinity Church, an already famous church for being part of the original New Amsterdam, further made famous by the film National Treasure. Hopping the subway we ventured north to Central Park where we wandered casually through the majesty of this grand promenade. Finding our way to the Metropolitan Museum I was all too prepared to be disappointed but was pleasantly surprised to find it was everything I had ever dreamed it should be and spent much of my time comparing it to the grandeur of the British Museum . My traveling companion found out quickly that although I may not watch a lot of television I am addicted to movies and could point out several film locations throughout the city. My favorite movie location was of course in the Met where Sesame Street had been lost and was on an adventure to save a young Egyptian. The location can also be viewed in the film Maid in Manhattan. I am of course speaking of the Temple of Dendur, absolutely amazing. Truly if you have the time for an adventure the Met is the place to have it. I also began to sing a bit from Bedknobs and Broomsticks when we entered the Armory Hall. You would have to see it for your self to understand where this crazy came from. Continuing on we walked down 5th Avenue to encounter Tiffany's, Rockefeller Center, Radio City Music Hall, St. Patrick's Cathedral and then traversed our way to Broadway and back to our hotel.



We strategically planned our adventure to encompass that of Fleet Week, when all the naval ships not called on tour dock in New York and the sailors get shore leave. It turns out that the vast majority of the sailors that take advantage of shore leave are 18-21. We were, however; happily met by a group of LCDRs, CDRs and a RADML to share a beer with at the pub we decided to call home.



Truly an amazing adventure and one I am most ready to take again. Next time I will take in a show or two on Broadway, see the Village, wake up earlier to get to the Island and maybe even make it into Jersey.



Who knows I may move there next.

It's getting closer to beach season so before the tourist hit we made rounds at the beach. Heading north for a few hours we (me and the roomies) went to the beach. The weather wasn't your optimal beach sitter's paradise but we weren't there to soak up the rays. This trip was all about shopping. We hit the outlets with full force. Saturday night was bar night and we went to season opening for a local place. Two pretty decent bands took stage, Scott's New Band and Fuzzy Bunny Slippers. You heard me right, FUZZY BUNNY SLIPPERS. Two cover bands that really knew how to rock out. No cover but a suggested donation along with several free beers the night was a hit. I, like my regular rock star self, was all over the floor soaking up the music. Out of the 5 band members 3 had girlfriends, one disappeared and two got hit on… What? You do the math. Somebody exchanged digits who wasn't supposed to. Whoops! No names…. Actually I couldn't tell you his name because I wasn't involved for once. I was far too entertained playing the wing man.



I haven't decided where my level of drink is anymore because I can sit with the girls and have one beer and feel it or rock out at a club and have 6 and not even notice. Seriously SOBER! Entertaining though, I didn't have to play the mom for once and the night was a success.

Last night I attended an event at the DAR (I should note here that I've become "DC" with my over use of acronyms, DAR is Daughters of the American Revolution.) It was so much fun! Entitled "Girls Night Out" a $12.50 ticket got you unlimited Martini's by Finlandia and entrance to an exclusive shopping party. Everything was designer and at least 50% off. This was the kind of event I wish B was here for, she would have loved it! I ended up not buying anything but admiring how everyone else found such fabulous things. The Martinis were strong but absolutely delicious so I stuck to my two and perused the sites.



I'm really starting to love this city and get to know it. It's amazing how intimidating it can be when you first get here but after you figure out where you are you realize that everything isn't as far away as you thought and your only worry is getting on the Metro before it closes.



I've found another piece of this city that makes me happy and I just love to smile about it. I've been fearful of speaking about so as to not jinx the situation but I think it's quite clear that I can't screw this one up… just yet anyways.



It is amazing how the words are just flowing today and for the past few months I'm been too inarticulate of my life here. There was so much to talk about but I just couldn't put it into words so I didn't even try. Or I'd already told someone and didn't feeling like retelling the story.



Having moved so far away it's been hard being so separated from my family but at the same time we talk about the same things like there isn't any distance at all. I'll be going home in July and if you're there and want to see me let me know because I would probably like to see you too.



What else?

I am now a member of the Colorado State Society and an honorary member of the Wyoming State Society. Needless to say my social life has taken a huge boost for that. Next up a volunteer position and my life here will be complete. Job, house, income, social life…. Perfect right? I LOVE IT!!!



This weekend is a trip to the beach with the roommates and hopefully a relaxing time away from the city.

Contrary to popular belief I'm not dead. Just busy.

Have you ever had an addiction you just can not quit? It does not have to be a bad addiction, like drugs, just something that tends to consume a lot of your time and energy.

I have one. A big one and I can not seem to kick it. No matter what I do to get above it, hide from it, ignore it, it is still always there. For years I have been riding some pretty crazy roller coasters. Knowing I do not need it but wishing frantically that I had it. I tell myself daily that I am better off without it. I justify it by saying it is “to time consuming and frustrating.” But every where I go, there it is. My friends tell me to forget about it and I do… for a few seconds. Then something happens and I am right back where I started, thinking about it again. Wishing I could do something about it. I see that someone else has it and I scorn them for it but deep down I hate myself for being so haggard about it, because I so desperately want it for myself. Damn all those people who have it. Damn them for flaunting it. Damn them for breathing, for living… but it is my fault. I made it an addiction; I made it a necessity in my life.

I got the job! The most amazing job!! Not exactly the job I moved out here to get but it’s a step in a very very very good direction!!! Can you tell I’m Excited?!?! It’s just so fabulous. I’ve been up and down for the past few months thinking I wasn’t going to get anywhere but a restaurant job and now look at me. I’m working for one the most prestigious government contractors in the area! I would basically be working with warfare analysis, not susre what that all means yet but it should dbe cool. How awesome is that?!?!?! YEAH FOR ME!!! Finally a break through and something to do with such a long day! Paychecks! I am this much closer to a car… which by the way can’t come soon enough. OMG hiking everywhere and it is so fing cold out here. Soon enough my pretties I’ll have a car and then I can start my driving adventures!